Bad Mormon

Gay entered the Missionary Training Center (MTC) determined to leave her old life behind and dedicate herself fully to her mission. However, given her experience in the temple ceremony, she feared losing her sense of self entirely. Her French instructor, Frère (French for “brother”) Beaufort, offered an example of a devoted missionary who nevertheless maintained a fun personality. Gay and her missionary companion, Soeur (French for “sister”) Brown, felt safe sharing their fears and concerns with Beaufort in a way they could not share with other instructors.

When Beaufort began to draw criticism from his superiors, Gay assumed that it was because he was in love with her, and that the MTC wanted to separate them. One day, their class was moved into a new classroom with a large mirror along the wall. When Beaufort incorporated the phrase “they are watching us” in his lesson, Gay realized that it was a one-way mirror, and the class was being watched. She realized that observation was an essential part of the missionary process. The next day, Beaufort was reassigned. Gay later learned that Beaufort was gay and suspected his sexuality was the reason for his firing.

On Gay’s first day in Marseille, she tried to evangelize the first person who made eye contact with her. Before she could speak, he groped her chest. Gay’s first companion and roommate in Marseille was Soeur Slade, a trainer who added her own rules on top of the MTC’s strict code of conduct. Gay struggled to feel at home with Slade and to get used to the grueling schedule of missionary work. Later, she was paired with Soeur Campbell, a free-spirited missionary who took Gay running in the early mornings before their missionary work began. These runs were Gay’s only experience of freedom during her mission.

To face the constant rejection and social pressures, Gay imagined herself as Glinda the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz, protected by the pink bubble of her faith. Missionaries were instructed to kneel and pray with potential converts within one minute of entering the home. Often, the hosts were so shocked they knelt too, and Gay and her fellow missionaries had a chance at making them feel something. Because the nearest temple was in Switzerland, Gay also spent time correcting local Mormon women on their lapsed practices, like wearing bras under their temple garments.

In addition to their work evangelizing, the missionaries were also expected to do secular volunteer work in their community. Gay was assigned to assist a single mother in a bizarre form of therapy in which she massaged her disabled teenage son with alternating hot and cold towels. The boy did not understand the process and was visibly pained by it. Gay believed the treatment to be cruel. Although missionaries had helped the mother for years, Gay pushed for the relationship to end. She notes that Mormons condoned the mother’s willingness to believe in the salvatory powers of strange rituals.

Although Gay and the other missionaries often faced rejection in their efforts at evangelism, they developed a routine. After praying within a minute of entering a home, Gay would ask the host how they felt. Any positive feelings were attributed to the holy spirit, and the host was encouraged to commit to baptism. Gay knew to warn potential converts that the world might turn on them, and encouraged them to take that as proof of the church’s truth. Though heartened by their few successes, Gay struggled with her fellow missionaries’ belief that everyone who rejected them was going to hell.

Gay was a successful missionary, despite her growing doubts about the missionary project. In her 18 months in France, she was responsible for 16 baptisms; most missionaries claim one or two. She was also asked to train new missionaries seven times, another honor usually bestowed once or twice. As a result of her track record, she was allowed more flexibility than the other missionaries. In one instance, she had a period of six hours between one companion leaving and the other arriving. Rather than putting her with another pair of missionaries, the mission director granted her the rare privilege of alone time, suggesting she return to her apartment and wait for the new companion to arrive. Gay went to the movies instead, watching Titanic in French, ignoring the similarities between the protagonist Rose’s strict upbringing and her own.

On returning to the United States, Gay wanted to move to Washington, D.C. to live with friends and attend law school. Her father discouraged the plan, saying that she needed to focus on finding a husband and starting a family. Gay reluctantly agreed and moved to Huntington Beach, California, a known hotspot for young Mormon singles.